Yield Signs - Part 2

Large snowflakes floated sleepily outside the library window as I wrote away in a new journal.  Each page captured memories and ideas in ink as I reminisced on the previous four years and dreamed about the future.  My bachelor's program had stretched into a fifth year as I combined degrees in geology and Slavic studies.  My college experience had been marvelous, and I had loved every bit, that was until the spring of 2001.  An upper level math course and a graduate level geology course pushed me to the brink of my capabilities, and though I exerted a commendable effort in both, I barely scraped by with two passing grades.  Thankfully, the following semester offered a reprieve.  As part of the Slavic studies degree I was now attending a university in Voronezh, Russia through an exchange program.

Christmas break found me visiting friends in Berlin, and I spent a couple days of my vacation asking Abba about His plans for me for the next year.  Well, asking wouldn't be exactly the right word.  I was actually telling the Lord what I planned to do following graduation in May.  I intended to attend a missions training school with my church, and then go... um... somewhere.  Probably somewhere in the former Soviet Union.  I wanted to join Lifewater, a water relief group and apply my two degrees simultaneously, helping villages obtain a safe drinking water source while sharing the good news of Jesus and starting churches across the Central Asian steppe.  I was ready!  It was time!  I was burnt out with school and had waited 'long enough'.  And my little, weary soul wished to discuss no alternatives.

The Lord's beautiful, familiar voice sounded crest-fallen as He responded to my declaration.  He didn't tell me 'no', I suppose because I wasn't looking for His permission to embark on this adventure.  Instead, He simply shared with me some of the wonderful things and some of the harder things that lay ahead of me on the road I was choosing.  That is, choosing without Him.  Since the early days when I had first learned to hear God's voice, I had grown accustomed to running all of my plans by Him.  I never purposefully avoided asking the Lord what He wanted me to do, especially when it came to important life decisions.  Now I discovered what happened in our relationship when I cut Him out of the decision making process.  I broke His heart.

My worn out soul flinched, but then regrouped and grew harder.  I didn't care what He had to say about it or how He felt.  I already had an idea of what Abba really wanted for me, and it was the last thing I wanted to consider.  So I dug in my heels and intended not to budge.

Returning to the States in January I eventually found myself in conversation with my hydrogeology professor, Dr. Joe Yelderman.  We were discussing my plans following graduation.  I shared with Dr. Joe how I hoped to join a water relief organization as a missionary.  This particular professor is a true lover of Jesus and was immediately supportive of my direction.  He shared with me that two of his former students had gone overseas to do the same type of work, supplying villages with safe drinking water.  Then the question I had been internally dodging was posed.  Had I considered obtaining a master's degree in hydrogeology?  Both of these former students discovered that effectively helping people obtain access to clean water meant they needed more of a knowledge base than they had obtained in their bachelor courses.  I cringed inside. 

Politely I replied that I had not yet considered this path and that I hoped to get to the mission field within the next year or two.  Dr. Joe then wisely advised me to contact the organization that I wished to join to ask them what kind of course work I would need to best help them, and concluded by encouraging me to pray about it before making any decisions.

Ugh.  I had purposefully been avoiding praying about this subject.  But Dr. Yelderman's words rang with wisdom.  What could it hurt to contact Lifewater and ask them if my current course work gave me enough background to help them with their mission overseas?

The next day I sent an email to Lifewater International.  Lifewater specializes in training teams in developing nations how to provide clean water for villages coupled with training in hygiene and sanitation.  Proudly, I listed out geology course work that I thought applicable and shared with them my heart to join their work.  The very next day I had received a reply.  They were thankful for my interest: did I know how to choose a location for a well to be drilled?  If not, would I please consider continuing with my studies and obtaining a master's degree?

Wow.  Nope.  I had no idea how to set a well.  I actually had never drilled one before.  My arrogance and pride dissolved with the realization that I really didn't know all that much, even after 5 years of college.

"Abba, I guess I'm ready to talk about grad school.  I am sorry I have refused to talk with You about it up till now."

Oh, our God is so good!  He truly is kind, compassionate and quick to forgive!  Suddenly the Lord was washing me with the truth that He wanted to help me get through grad school and that He would teach me wonderful things during my master's program.  He was excited for me!  It wasn't going to be as hard as the previous year.  And I was actually going to enjoy it!

Truly, my three years of graduate studies far surpassed my undergraduate experience!  And God used the time to also draw me into the sweetest season I had experienced with Him up to that point.

The eight years God had spoken to me about so clearly freshman year turned out to be eight years of school to the month!  My dreams, though resting on God’s shelf that whole time, had grown into a beautiful future filled with more possibilities than I could have imagined coming into Baylor.  And my relationship with the Lord was far deeper and sweeter than when I had begun. 

Would He now send me to the nations? Or did He have another plan in mind?  Either way, the lesson had been learned and my soul knew that it could rest secure in the truth: His ways are so good and obedience is always worth it!

Yield Signs - part 1

"In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps."  Proverbs 16:9

Has God ever told you to do something that you didn't want to do?  Generally, I think this kind of direction comes to us in small ways: a nudge to show a stranger an act of kindness at your own expense, conviction to own up to a fault, His gentle whisper leading you to stop rushing around and focus on the ones you love.  These little places of obedience that cut against the grain of our flesh can be relatively common.  But sometimes God will lead you in a life direction that you would not have chosen for yourself.  Surprised, you find God's plans for your life unexpectedly diverging from the path you had intended to follow.  You know you are hearing His voice, you are confident of His direction, but yielding requires picking up your cross.

These are the testing points in our journey.  Who will I trust more: God or myself?  The first time I remember pushing back against the direction of the Lord came shortly after beginning college.

Freshman year at Baylor surpassed my expectations.  My classes were enjoyably challenging. New friends with interests and beliefs complementing my own made for an exciting social life.  And Texas!  I felt so at home here and more free to be my bouncy and bubbly self than I had in my home state up north.  All of these aspects of my new life were thrilling!  But despite such a great start, I found my soul impatiently tapping its invisible foot.  Hadn't God called me into missions?  College looked like it was going to take far too long.

That Christmas I visited with a friend attending a Bible school.  She, like I, had been led toward missions by God when we were in high school.  She would be finished with school in two years and be released into ministry soon after.  Perhaps I had missed God on His direction.  I started making new plans, if only subconsciously.  Perhaps I could drop out of college, attend a 2-year Bible school to get focused training to be a missionary, and be out the door to Russia by summer of 2001.  Perfect!

The following month, back at Baylor, I attended a missions conference and the questions stirring inside broke out in a frustrated cry.  "Lord, am I following You the right way?  Did You really plan for me to go to school for four more years?  It feels like such a waste of time.  I could attend a 2-year Bible school and be on the mission field in a few years.  Wouldn't that be better?"  

Instead of redirecting me as I had hoped, the Lord lovingly and firmly spoke His answer into my soul: "It will not be four years, Carrie.  It will be eight." The words sank deep into my soul.  I had never heard God speak so clearly.

Eight years?!  I couldn't fathom waiting that long.  Wasn't the need for laborers pressing?  And what was I going to do that whole time, anyway?  Four years of college, I assumed, and then what?  I didn't like what I heard, but along with the word about His timing Abba gave me grace to believe this really was His voice.

Sometimes God is crystal clear, but our muddy minds immediately misinterpret what He has told us.  Such would be the case for me.

Interestingly, moments before my bold exchange with Heaven's King, a missionary shared with the conference attendees stories about the follies of running to the mission field too early.  She painted a picture of men and women unprepared for the difficulties of life overseas and the challenges of cross-cultural ministry.  Anxious to do great works for God, or perhaps seeking an international adventure, these believers who ran heedless of the Lord's direction fell into difficulties that swallowed them up. They often broke to pieces emotionally or gave in to temptations that ruined not only themselves but the ones for whom they had left all to reach.  Perhaps it was to save me form this disastrous outcome that God was choosing to hold me back?  I was not certain of the why, but I was fully convinced that He was saying 'wait'.

So I began the process of learning to trust God with my heart and my dreams.  For the most part, I learned that my heart could rest in His during this time.  But five years later I would again find myself at odds with the Lord's direction for my life, and once more the subject would be my education.