Yield Signs - part 1

"In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps."  Proverbs 16:9

Has God ever told you to do something that you didn't want to do?  Generally, I think this kind of direction comes to us in small ways: a nudge to show a stranger an act of kindness at your own expense, conviction to own up to a fault, His gentle whisper leading you to stop rushing around and focus on the ones you love.  These little places of obedience that cut against the grain of our flesh can be relatively common.  But sometimes God will lead you in a life direction that you would not have chosen for yourself.  Surprised, you find God's plans for your life unexpectedly diverging from the path you had intended to follow.  You know you are hearing His voice, you are confident of His direction, but yielding requires picking up your cross.

These are the testing points in our journey.  Who will I trust more: God or myself?  The first time I remember pushing back against the direction of the Lord came shortly after beginning college.

Freshman year at Baylor surpassed my expectations.  My classes were enjoyably challenging. New friends with interests and beliefs complementing my own made for an exciting social life.  And Texas!  I felt so at home here and more free to be my bouncy and bubbly self than I had in my home state up north.  All of these aspects of my new life were thrilling!  But despite such a great start, I found my soul impatiently tapping its invisible foot.  Hadn't God called me into missions?  College looked like it was going to take far too long.

That Christmas I visited with a friend attending a Bible school.  She, like I, had been led toward missions by God when we were in high school.  She would be finished with school in two years and be released into ministry soon after.  Perhaps I had missed God on His direction.  I started making new plans, if only subconsciously.  Perhaps I could drop out of college, attend a 2-year Bible school to get focused training to be a missionary, and be out the door to Russia by summer of 2001.  Perfect!

The following month, back at Baylor, I attended a missions conference and the questions stirring inside broke out in a frustrated cry.  "Lord, am I following You the right way?  Did You really plan for me to go to school for four more years?  It feels like such a waste of time.  I could attend a 2-year Bible school and be on the mission field in a few years.  Wouldn't that be better?"  

Instead of redirecting me as I had hoped, the Lord lovingly and firmly spoke His answer into my soul: "It will not be four years, Carrie.  It will be eight." The words sank deep into my soul.  I had never heard God speak so clearly.

Eight years?!  I couldn't fathom waiting that long.  Wasn't the need for laborers pressing?  And what was I going to do that whole time, anyway?  Four years of college, I assumed, and then what?  I didn't like what I heard, but along with the word about His timing Abba gave me grace to believe this really was His voice.

Sometimes God is crystal clear, but our muddy minds immediately misinterpret what He has told us.  Such would be the case for me.

Interestingly, moments before my bold exchange with Heaven's King, a missionary shared with the conference attendees stories about the follies of running to the mission field too early.  She painted a picture of men and women unprepared for the difficulties of life overseas and the challenges of cross-cultural ministry.  Anxious to do great works for God, or perhaps seeking an international adventure, these believers who ran heedless of the Lord's direction fell into difficulties that swallowed them up. They often broke to pieces emotionally or gave in to temptations that ruined not only themselves but the ones for whom they had left all to reach.  Perhaps it was to save me form this disastrous outcome that God was choosing to hold me back?  I was not certain of the why, but I was fully convinced that He was saying 'wait'.

So I began the process of learning to trust God with my heart and my dreams.  For the most part, I learned that my heart could rest in His during this time.  But five years later I would again find myself at odds with the Lord's direction for my life, and once more the subject would be my education.